More Upside to Being a Liberal


You don’t have to take responsibility.

See, when life gets too hard and you are faced with doing the awkward, protracted and uncertain things in life, you can just turn to the government and have them do it for ya.

Because the first thing that pops into my mind when my neighbor buys a Jeep and doesn’t get the optional 30GB MP3 formatted hard drive is to call my boss from the pizzeria that I worked at 25 years ago.  And complain.  And ask him to do something about it.  And when questioned about why my boss from 25 years ago would have anything to do whatsoever about my neighbor making a choice I didn’t agree with?  The answer would be:

Punish him, insisted the parents.

Or, in an equally bizarre example,a parent might find his child bullied by another child and think that the first thing that must be done is to go have a conversation with that child or HIS parents call the local school’s principal and demand justice:

The girl’s parents, wild with outrage and fear, showed the principal the text messages: a dozen shocking, sexually explicit threats, sent to their daughter the previous Saturday night from the cellphone of a 12-year-old boy. Both children were sixth graders at Benjamin Franklin Middle School in Ridgewood, N.J.

And the principal’s justified response?

‘This occurred out of school, on a weekend,’ ” recalled the principal, Tony Orsini. “We can’t discipline him.”

Serious.

And it get’s better:

Had they contacted the boy’s family, he asked.

Too awkward, they replied. The fathers coach sports together.

Ahh yes.  Because losing backyard BBQ relationship status with the parents of the little f*cker that sent texts like that to my TWELVE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER gives me the chills!  Holy SHIT!

**Inhale**

Okay, okay.  Maybe some people just don’t like personal confrontation.  Anything else?

What about the police, Mr. Orsini asked.

A criminal investigation would be protracted, the parents had decided, its outcome uncertain. They wanted immediate action.

Really?  Only if these bed wetting liberal parents coached with other bed wetting liberal parents!

I can’t imagine sending the a fore mentioned texts as a kid, so I won’t.  But let’s just say that if I had thrown a snowball at a girl while I was in middle school, pushed her down and ran away [Steph, if you’re reading this, I am so way sorry] and my mom found out….well, let’s just say it wouldn’t be wasn’t pretty.

What self-respecting parent wouldn’t kick Holy Hell out of their 12-year-old boy if they found out what he was doing?

God.

So, the parents of the little girl, in their best “Honey, behold a lesson in the tender mercies of cruelty, justice and maturity” did the only thing they could:

They pleaded: “Help us.”

Here’s my advice.  And what I’ve already done.

Sire a son.  The bigger the better, but no smaller than 10lbs at birth, several years younger than your daughter.  Feed him meat, the rawer the better.  Teach him to fight, obey you and love his sister.  Then, often talk to your friends, neighbors and fellow COACHES who have sons 10 years on either side of your daughter’s age and mention that you have guns and once qualified at range to guard the President.  Further, while watching MSNBC’s Lockup, you wonder how you would, after cutting off your shoulder length hair with a spoon, work to leverage your “Mafia Wars” experience in real life.

Oh yeah.  Enroll your daughters in Karate.  Not Judo or Aikido; absolutely leave no confusion about “it’s better to walk away” when “kicking the ever livin’ hell out of this guy” is called for.

Jeez.  And these people vote.

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